


Tapping

by OccasionalStorytelling



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bad Ideas, Brainwashing, Handcuffs, Hydra (Marvel), Intrusive Thoughts, Non-Sexual Bondage, Past Brainwashing, Stimming, Stupid Ideas, angst but no hurt, bucky is in therapy, ignoring your therapist, intentionally triggering yourself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:46:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24832570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OccasionalStorytelling/pseuds/OccasionalStorytelling
Summary: In which Bucky gets an idea about how to use the remnants of his Hydra programming to help the team. Of course, the idea involves triggering said programming a little bit, but that shouldn't be difficult.Takes place in a universe where the Avengers are friends with each other and live together/go on missions together. Bucky is part of the team and mostly de-brainwashed, and he's doing his best.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 3
Kudos: 43





	Tapping

“I really wish you would stop talking like that,” Rhodey groaned.

“I’m just saying,” Tony continued (in between bites of his trail mix), “the dude’s always tapping. It gets annoying.”

“As opposed to your constant snacking—“

“—which is an endearing quirk, and I always bring enough for everyone, so there’s never a problem,” Tony said as they arrived at the double doors, which automatically opened for them. Steve, Bucky, Natasha, and Sam had already arrived for the briefing, and were sitting around the table. “Does anyone want trail mix?”

“Only if you didn’t already eat all the cashews,” Sam said.

Tony threw the bag on the table. “Double cashews, just for you, buddy.”

Rhodey tried to subtly peek at Bucky while the rest of the team arrived. It seemed Tony was right, as the super-soldier was jiggling his leg up and down under the table.

“You can come down now, Clint,” Natasha laughed.

“I still think that if you really _meant_ everyone could pick their chair, you’d let me keep the hammock,” Clint sighed. He pulled himself out of the hammock and grabbed onto one of the pipes on the ceiling, swinging down to the floor.

“We _cannot_ let you and the kid talk to each other,” Tony sighed, rubbing his forehead with one hand. “We’d never get you both out of the rafters.”

Bucky noticed Rhodey watching him, and gave a polite nod of acknowledgment. Slightly embarassed, Rhodey looked away, but the soft tapping sounds continued as Bucky kept jiggling his leg.

“JARVIS, can I get an ETA on Banner?” Steve asked.

“Doctor Banner is on route from the third level lab; he’ll be here in just a moment,” JARVIS responded. As he did so, Vision and Wanda drifted through the wall together. Wanda heard JARVIS speaking and elbowed Vision with a smile.

“What was that—“ Vision started.

“Say the thing,” Wanda shushed him, giggling.

Vision looked up at JARVIS’s holographic interface over the table. “One of us is going to have to change,” he said matter-of-factly. There was a short pause as no-one responded.

“Get it?” Wanda said. “Because the voice—“

“I can adjust my vocal parameters if that would better suit you, Ms. Wanda,” JARVIS said.

“Never mind,” Wanda waved the suggestion away. She turned back to Vision and gave him a peck on the cheek. “I’ll come up with something better.”

“I am already considered humorous by multiple members of the team,” Vision insisted, taking a seat at the table. “Just the other day, I amused Sam, you can ask him.”

Sam choked on the trail mix he was eating. He coughed a few times. “Vis, that wasn’t really a joke, though.”

“What happened?” Steve asked.

“Physical comedy using props,” Vision said.

“Vision trying to make bread, but his density setting was wrong, and he got flour all over himself,” Sam said.

“I gotta see that,” Bucky laughed.

“JARVIS, roll the tape,” Tony snapped his fingers.

“Yes, sir,” JARVIS said, and several holographic displays popped up at the table settings, playing footage of Vision sneezing flour.

“Aw, was this what happened to the cinnamon rolls you promised me?” Wanda laughed, hugging Vision’s arm.

There was a pause. “…Yes,” Vision said, looking at the floor.

There was general laughter around the table, and Vision smiled. Rhodey snuck a peek at Bucky, who’d switched to tapping his non-metal fingers on the table instead of jiggling his leg. There was something about the way he was tapping that Rhodey couldn’t place. It didn’t quite seem random, or like he was fidgeting… Rhodey shrugged it off. Bucky moving and making jokes was infinitely preferable to a month or two ago, when he’d just sit at the table motionless. That had been creepy, like he was still the Winter Soldier. But supposedly the guy was in therapy, and god knew the rest of the Avengers could use some therapy too, and he seemed like he was doing much better.

Bruce Banner walked into the briefing room, Thor tagging along behind. “Fascinating,” Thor was saying.

“Yeah, yeah, you can tell me more about how Asgard sees quantum mechanics later,” Bruce said, playfully punching Thor in the arm. He looked at the group. “Sorry we’re late. Are we the last ones to arrive?”

“Not quite. T’challa still needs to conference in,” Steve said.

“He’s coming online now,” JARVIS said, and a holographic T’challa appeared in one of the chairs at the table.

“Good morning, everyone,” T’challa smiled. “Bucky.”

“T’challa,” Bucky smiled. “Good to see you. How are my goats?”

“Well, _Shuri’s_ goats are just fine.”

“That hurts,” Bucky said, putting his hand over his heart and feigning a wipe of a tear. “You know Paprika loves me more than Shuri.”

“Shall we get started?” Steve asked. Everyone took their places around the large glass table, and JARVIS called up holographic panels so everyone had access to the briefing.

“This doesn’t look like our usual,” Sam said.

“Looks like another Hydra base to take out,” Tony shrugged.

“It is, but it’s definitely _not_ our usual,” Natasha said, standing up. She moved to the head of the table and displayed some diagrams. “Intel says that this base is active, and full of technology we haven’t even seen. In addition to barracks on upper levels, below-ground looks like labs, and something else we can’t identify yet. Satellite scans show that it’s huge, and deep.”

“What’s our plan?” Steve asked.

“This isn’t something we can bust into and break open,” Natasha said. “I think we’re going to want a stealth team first before we bring in the big guns.” She gestured at the table. “But that’s all I got, so, we’re having a meeting about it.”

“A stealth team could use a good disguise,” Bruce said. “Is there an easier target we could break into, acquire gear, maybe even access codes?”

There was a cracking sound. “Oops,” Bucky said. He’d tapped the glass table slightly too hard, and there was a little spiderweb crack under his metal index finger. He coughed awkwardly. “You can pay for that, right, rich boy?”

“No problem,” Tony said, grabbing another bag of trail mix from his pocket and leaning back in his chair. “What’s with the tapping, though?”

“It’s nothing we need to talk about,” Steve said, glaring at Tony. “We could drop it, right now.”

“It’s fine,” Bucky said, shrugging Steve’s protective arm away. He looked up at Tony. “It’s just a thing I do, from therapy. It’s a coping mechanism, helps me deal with intrusive thoughts.”

“Huh,” Tony said, looking away.

“All that money and you’ve never paid someone to talk to you? Like I’d believe that,” Bucky said, smiling. (He hoped that the smile looked genuine, and not so much like a fake “I’m dying inside” thing.)

“It’s morse code!” Rhodey said, sitting up and snapping his fingers. Everyone turned to look at him. He shrank back into his chair. “I’m sorry. It was bothering me, I couldn’t figure out what it was.”

“I usually do it so fast no one can translate it,” Bucky said. “Um. I’m not going to stop tapping, it’s actually working out really well—“

“No one is asking you to,” Steve said.

“Yeah, well, it’s bothering Rhodey, is it bothering anyone else?” Bucky snapped. Then he took a deep breath and unclenched his fists. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to sound so angry.”

“It’s not bothering me now that I know what it is, I didn’t mean to—“ Rhodey trailed off awkwardly.

“We can go back to planning the mission now,” Natasha said. “You were saying something, Bruce?”

“Yes,” Bruce starts again. Bucky went back to tapping his foot as Bruce talked. He crossed his arms, trying to look nonchalant. “Maybe if we…hmm. Three teams? One invades a second Hydra target for access codes and passes them to a stealth team, who could get into the larger base before the, um, the big guy needs to get involved.”

“That’s a really good plan, actually,” Natasha was impressed. “But we’d need to find the second target quickly. I’m worried our information about the larger base is time-sensitive. We can’t wait until they find out we know about the base; they could shut everything down.”

“Ooooooh, shit,” Bucky said, putting his head in his hand. “I’m an idiot. I can help, but no one had better poke fun at me.”

“You don’t have to—“ Steve started.

“I _know_ I don’t have to,” Bucky sighed, “but it’s a really good idea, right?”

“It’s your choice,” Steve said, holding up his hands.

“Um, what are we talking about?” Tony crunched some mnms.

“The tapping,” Bucky said. “I do it to…I guess “vocalize” is the wrong word, but it kind of gets the things that the Winter Soldier would do out of my head. I tap it out in morse code, and I can imagine it going away that easily, and it helps.”

“You’ve been tapping almost constantly for the past few weeks,” Tony said. “Are you good?”

“Obviously not, but I’m in therapy,” Bucky sighed. “But I’ve still got all this…stuff in my head, things that the Winter Soldier thinks. I guess you’ve been translating, JARVIS.”

“I did not realize that doing so would violate your privacy. Mr. Stark asked, and I—“

“Yeah, I figured,” Bucky shrugged as Tony coughed nervously.

“I was just curious,” Tony said. “I didn’t think—“

“You don’t _ever_ think, do you, Tony?” Sam said.

“Hey—“ Tony started.

“I _said,_ it’s _fine,_ because I’ll just translate for everyone now,” Bucky said, standing up. “The closest Hydra base is that way” (he pointed over his shoulder) “and it’s not walking distance, I’d need to steal a car or something to get there.”

“That’s…something,” Clint said.

“You know, if like…I activated or something, and needed to kill everyone here and report back to Hydra, that’s where I’d go. But that’s—god, how do I say this so it makes sense—I can do that everywhere? Like, when you walk down to the bakery at the end of the block, just past it, you’re slightly closer to a different base than the one I just pointed out for you; the other one is more east.”

“That’s our way in,” Natasha said. “If we fly over the base we’re trying to attack, can you direct us to the next closest hideout? That’s how we pick our secondary target.”

“I probably could,” Bucky said. “We could go together, Nat, and be back here in time to finish the briefing, if we took the chopper.”

“Um, you mean, _my_ chopper?” Tony sighed.

“I wouldn’t ask you to do that, Buck,” Steve said, putting his hand on Bucky’s.

“I’m volunteering,” Bucky smiled. “What’s the worst thing that could happen?”

Nobody responded.

“I’m obviously joking,” Bucky groaned. “I’ll go with Nat, and she’ll take care of it if something happens, and with just the two of us there, nobody else could get hurt.”

“I’ll get the chopper ready,” Natasha said. “We can reconvene when Barnes and I get back.”

Everyone stood up and began dispersing. T’challa disappeared, and Thor and Bruce went back to whatever they’d been discussing before. Thor had spent the meeting drawing doodles on a crumbled napkin to explain what he’d meant, and Bruce was carefully flattening and studying them.

“I wish I was going too,” Steve sighed. “I think my handsome ass is one of the few things on the list that can actually snap you out of an episode.”

“It’ll be waiting for me when I get back,” Bucky smiled. He looked away. “I’d rather you didn’t come, just in case. I don’t think it would get ugly like it did in the helicarrier, I think it would be…different. Quieter. I don’t even know, probably nothing will happen, but I’d rather you not be there to see.”

“I can respect that,” Steve said, hugging Bucky. “I trust you, and I know you can handle anything.”

“Stop with the positive affirmations,” Bucky laughed, pretending to struggle in Steve’s hug.

“You know you like it,” Steve said, kissing him.

After a moment or two, Bucky broke away. “See you in an hour or so.”

“Love you.”

“Love you.”

On the helicopter, Bucky took deep breaths and focused on staying calm.

“You sure this is a good idea?” Natasha asked.

“Oh, hell no,” Bucky said. “But are we almost there?”

“Almost,” Natasha said, flipping some switches while she flew.

“Yeah, I can tell,” Bucky said, tucking his hands into his armpits.

“Is it…stronger?” Natasha asked.

“It’s intrusive thoughts,” Bucky said, looking up. “It’s something I can handle. I’m not worried that I’ll fly off the handle like this…”

“But you are worried,” Natasha said.

“I’m worried we’re going to have to _make_ me fly off the handle,” Bucky admitted.

“Which is why you didn’t want Steve here,” Natasha nodded.

“Yeah.” Bucky said. “The Winter Soldier wouldn’t just ignore the closest Hydra base, what you said in the briefing is a massive technology lab, for some outpost.”

“Then what’s the plan?” Natasha asked.

“You’re the only one on the team other than me who speaks Russian,” Bucky said. “I was hoping…you’d be cool with intentionally triggering me?”

“That’s a bad idea,” Natasha said. “Steve wouldn’t like it, I _know_ your therapist wouldn’t like it, I don’t like it—“

“But here’s the thing,” Bucky smiled. “ _I_ like it as a plan, I think we could do it right.”

“And if I can’t?” Natasha asked. “The Winter Soldier could beat me in a fight.”

“You’re going to laugh,” Bucky said, “and I’m asking you as a friend to _not_ mention this to Steve.” He reached into his back and pulled out a thick piece of metal.

“You’re joking,” Natasha said. “Tell me this isn’t what I think it is.”

“Yes, ha ha, it’s the sex handcuffs Steve and I use,” Bucky said. “Laugh it up.”

“Oh god, I really don’t want to,” Natasha said, pretending to vomit.

“Just focus on flying.”

“You’re both, what, 100 years old? It’s like thinking about two grandfathers—“

“Nope,” Bucky laughed, “see, if you say this to Steve, he’ll never want to break ‘em out again. Plus, then he would know that I took them for this mission, and I also don’t want that. But the important thing is, they’ll hold me. And they weren’t _designed_ for sex—“

“You need to stop talking,” Natasha groaned.

“So I was thinking, once we get there, you cuff me, and you tell me in Russian that the base is compromised. If that doesn’t work, we can try Romanian, and then German. If it goes well, I’ll be able to identify the next closest base, but I won’t go into full-winter-soldier mode. It it goes badly, I’ll be in handcuffs—shit, we shoulda brought Thor, if I was under his hammer—“

“Let’s stop talking about plans to immobilize you, because I don’t want to give you anymore sex ideas to bring home to your star spangled man.”

“We’re there,” Bucky said, suddenly straightening up, face all seriousness. “Aren’t we.”

“Yep.” Natasha said. She set the chopper to hover in place, and made sure the stealth armor was active. Tony Stark really was a miracle-worker with tech. She hoped that wasn’t where the handcuffs came from.

Bucky moved up front to the passenger seat and held out his wrists. Natasha buckled the handcuffs on and turned the seat to face him.

“Russian first?” She asked. He nodded.

“Это место было взломано,” Natasha said. _This location has been compromised._

Bucky blinked.

“Anything?” Natasha asked.

“Nope,” Bucky said. “I am starting to feel like this was a bad idea, though. As in stupid. This is silly.”

“I’ll keep trying,” Natasha said. “Această locație a fost compromisă.” _This location has been compromised._

“Still nothing,” Bucky said. “Nope, this was definitely a silly idea. I showed you the sex handcuffs and everything, god, Steve is gonna kill me…”

“Dieser Ort wurde kompromittiert,” Natasha tried. German. _This location has been compromised._

“It’s not doing anything to me. I don’t know if I’m more embarrassed, relieved, or what,” Bucky said.

“Maybe try…mediating about it?” Natasha said. “I don’t know, do the opposite of whatever you do to get him out of your head.”

“I can try,” Bucky said. He fidgeted.

“We can still back away from this. We don’t have to do this,” Natasha said. “We’ll figure something else out.”

“I’m fine,” Bucky said, smiling. “Just a few more tries, then we can give up, okay?”

“Okay,” Natasha said.

“Give me a second to get…ugh.” Bucky rolled his neck around, stretching slightly. “So I’m gonna stop talking, give me like, a minute and then try again.”

Natasha waited. She watched Bucky take a deep breath, and then he stopped moving. He closed his eyes and sat very still. She checked her watch. After a minute passed, she spoke in Russian. “Это место было взломано.” _This location has been compromised._ She said it again in Romanian, in German, and in a couple other languages just in case.

Bucky opened his eyes. “My therapist is going to kill me,” he said softly.

“It’s okay that it didn’t work—“ Natasha started.

“Try calling me Soldier?” Bucky looked up at her. “Please. It’ll work.”

“солдат,” Natasha said. Bucky went rigid. ““Это место было взломано.” _Soldier._ _This location has been compromised._

“я понимаю,” Bucky said. _I understand._ It was very quiet. He didn’t meet her eyes.

“Where is the closest Hydra base?” Natasha asked. She repeated it in Russian just to be sure.

Bucky blinked, very slowly. “North,” he said. He looked around. “20 minutes to fly there.”

Natasha congratulated herself on the victory, before realizing she wasn’t sure what she was supposed to do now. She thought quickly. “Tell me when we’re close,” she said, going back to the controls. “We’ll make sure they’re still viable before going in.”

Bucky didn’t respond verbally. He didn’t struggle in the restraints, or indicate in any way he was going to resort to the Winter Soldier’s brand of violence.

After about five minutes of flying, Bucky spoke. “I’m glad it worked,” Bucky said, and it came out with an effort.

“Who am I talking to?” Natasha asked. She remembered to ask from when Steve had first brought Bucky to the tower.

“It’s me,” Bucky said, slowly. “Last week you sneezed directly on Clint when I was in the kitchen.”

“Nice to have you back,” Natasha said. “What’s going on?”

“It’s…fuzzy,” Bucky said. “It’s still me, things are just…fuzzy. It’s like…if one more thing happens, I’m gonna lose it. It feels…weird.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“If I can’t be useful to the team as _me…_ no, it’s not…I’m already stuck with the brainwashing, it may as well be useful…I want it to be able to do something good with it,” Bucky said.

“Okay,” Natasha said.

Bucky went quiet for a few moments. He grunted, and between gritted teeth managed to say “Don’t…want…”

“What?” Natasha said. She gripped the controls tighter. “Is everything okay? Do we—“

Bucky held up his hands to stop her. He took a breath. “Everything is okay. Wait…”

Natasha went back to flying. She wasn’t sure if eye contact would be comforting or not.

Bucky groaned and leaned back in his seat. “When you asked…if I wanted to talk about it…” He shook his head a few times, and when he stopped, his voice was a little clear-er, just a little bit faster. “When you phrase it like that… _he_ takes it as an order.”

“Oh,” Natasha said.

“That feels so weird,” Bucky said, shaking his head again. “Maybe we shouldn’t have done that.”

“Are you back to normal?”

“I’m back to _my_ normal,” Bucky said, “and I didn’t _feel_ like I was out of control when you were talking…but it’s weird, because the thing about needing a different base…it got through. I don’t really know how to explain it, but the intrusive thoughts I usually get from when I used to be _him_ , they’ve totally accepted that base is compromised. We _planned_ that. I can’t decide if I want to go to sleep and pretend it never happened or find myself a therapist who speaks Russian.”

“Neither of those things sound like healthy options,” Natasha said.

“Yeah, probably,” Bucky snorted, “but can you imagine?” He did a deep voice, and imitated a Russian accent. “Soldier, I order you to understand that you are worthy of love.”

Natasha laughed.

“I’m not worthy of love because I’ll never be free from what Hydra did to me and Steve loves a person that’s been dead for a hundred years,” Bucky blurted out. “Shit,” he whispered. “So, I hope that the secondary target we found turns out to be useful, because I think I’m going to go talk to my therapist instead of going on the mission.”

“That sounds like a plan,” Natasha nodded. “I’ve identified the base you pointed out; we’re good to head home now.”

“Please take the sex handcuffs off and don’t mention _any_ of this to Steve,” Bucky said.

“Avengers’ Honor,” Natasha promised. She removed the handcuffs. “Let’s go home.”


End file.
